Speedy Nevarez

I do things quickly. I work fast, type fast, walk fast, and of course drive fast. I do things like I'm being timed. Rushing. And for what? It's not like I'm getting bonus points by reaching the finish line first. 

When I was younger I used to be slow...well, do things slowly. I walked super slow in the school halls so nobody would pay me attention. Lol maybe I watched Animal Planet and saw how sloths survive in the wilderness. 

I'm not sure what changed my pace in life. I have to remind myself sometimes to slow down...other times my Husband or cops remind me. Yikes! 

Life isn't going anywhere and my rushing won't help spin the earth any quicker. It will just get me to the red light faster and I'll be waiting with the rest of the traffic. 

Note to self: Breathe. Relax. Pace yourself. 

Who Am I?

These three words got a lot of airtime in my mind today. Everything I know about my heritage is supposition. The assumption is that because my skin is dark brown that I'm a descendant of slaves from Africa. Which is fine, since all life is from Africa. But, who's to say that my ancestors weren't free people from dark communities in Asia, The Middle East, etc.?

Why is African American or Black American slave descendant my default? That's the same with White Americans going on the premise that their ancestors were slave owners and not slaves...I mean indentured servants who migrated to America. 

And then, even if I AM from Africa, that's not telling me anything. Africa is a big ass CONTINENT while others get to rep their COUNTRY. I got my DNA tested and it shows me being from The Middle East which also is useless information since the M. E. used to be part of Africa and people from M. E. were indentured in Africa. 

A common reason that "African American" people do not know their history is because it was lost during slavery. But why don't I know my history from the past 100-200 years? And does it really matter? 

As a human, I know what I'm capable of being/doing, so will will it motivate me more knowing that my family ancestors did this or that? Does it allow me to puff my chest in pride based on their accomplishments? I know American history books paint a biased picture, so all I need to do is color in the faces and know that whoever did it descended from the same Source I did...

Sigh. To close this chapter, I know for sure that I am American (for the moment). So I'll keep ticking "other" or "prefer not to answer" unless I can enter American as a choice. 

The Secret Life of QD

I am an excellent secret keeper. A large part of that is because I forget things people tell me. But, if you tell me a secret that I do remember, it's going down with me. Even if we break up or if I'm upset. 

I also keep my own secrets. Well, I used to. Now that I'm married, I like to practice transparency. However, being see through can be nerve wracking. Combined with my motor-mouthedness (another new word) is my Husband's innate way of reading body language and vibes, so nothing gets unsaid. 

Even when I can sneak things past him, I try make a habit not to, especially since he's going to probe until he knows what's going on. I even tell him all my irrelevant dirty little secrets (like stealing earrings from McCrory's when I was a kid). It feels good to release hidden parts of myself that have often been locked up for years and years. 

Today I made a mistake setting up an bill to be paid too early and almost overdrew our checking account. I was going to hide the error (as my Husband is just finding out as he reads this), but I spilled the beans. I can't handle being on pins and needles. Plus it messes up the atmosphere in the house. And I wouldn't be able to hide it for long because messing up my money (or anything) can sometimes put me in a funky mood...Virgos don't like mistakes. 

She Will Neither Hunger Nor Thirst

"Is the glass half empty or half full?" That is the question. At one point of my life, I was certainly a half empty kind of girl. I lived a life of lack and want. It felt like I should have more, be doing more, more, more, more. 

Somewhere along the line, with practice, I became thisssss close to being half full. One of my friends calls me a cynic, so you can probably conclude how hard it is to get the half full concept for me. I'm a Virgo. Perhaps that explains it. Even though the glass was half full, it sometimes felt too good to be true and that misfortune would once again knock on my door.  

Now I'm an "I don't care if it's half full or half empty, I'm thirsty and am going to drink it" kind of person. I try to remember that I am enough, have enough, know enough, enough, enough, enough to sate my thirst. I'm quenched in the desert, mountain, snowstorm or rain...when I remember that enough is enough and it's all I need. 

Fuck a Dollar and a Dream

I am a very generous person. I'm quick to donate for just about any cause: funerals, backpacks for kids returning to school, clean water in Africa, whatever. 

That's fine when it comes to charity, but it's not such a good habit to have in relationships. I tended to date boys/men who needed help, be it financial or emotional. 

I had a flashback of one instance today. I was supporting an ex in his endeavor to become a talent manager. He was saving his money and my money went to pay the bills. I was doing everything I could to make ends meet: car title and 401k loans, credit cards, bouncing checks, paying bills late, whatever. 

It's totally not his fault that I was willing to drown myself so his dream could float. But, from that, I hold dear the words of the late, great Notorious B. I. G. in his song Big Poppa: Tremendous cream, fuck a dollar and a dream. 

I did not feel any anger or regret when I had the flashback today. I was just happy that I finally learned that lesson. I always say that life will keep teaching you the same lessons until you learn them. 

It feels awesome to be the saved one and not the savior...or, to be more accurate, experience a symbiotic relationship. 

Plateau Problems

Doing a blog a day for 40 days sounded like a great idea when I had it. But it's Day 5 and what do I have to talk about? I guess now is a good time to talk about one of my needs for improvement. 

I am a plateauer (new word, meaning "one who plateaus"). I guess it's less about reaching a plateau and more about becoming disinterested and "over it." Which, I suppose is being a quitter. Nah, "plateauer" has more panache.  

I've started and stopped so many things! Which results in wasted money. Hundreds over the past few years. I've bought golf clubs, shoes and clothes and have only been on the course a handful of times...in street clothes, using one or two clubs. 

I have tons of workout and yoga clothes and hardly do either. When I do go to the gym, it's to wash and steam my hair. Otherwise, I sit at the basketball court watching our son practice. I do go to an average of one yoga class a month (maybe). Oh yeah, that made me remember the roller blades taking up space in the closet. 

I've not gotten very far with learning Spanish on Rosetta Stone. But, to my credit that was a gift for my Husband and not directly for me...and anyway, I remember most of what I learned in high school and college. 

I started out going to college to be a doctor (pediatrician or anesthesiologist). I switched to Chemistry because I didn't want to listen to the monotonous Botany teacher or look at her butt-long ponytail. Technically, that doesn't qualify as quitting. She forced me out since the class was a requirement for a Biology degree at the time. I may be the reason it became an elective. 

There are a couple things that I stay consistent with. One is keeping track of where our money goes. Once you've been broke (and depressed), that's not a place to which you willingly return. And, since I don't like having to get up everyday and work, I'm doing what I can to minimize expenses so I can retire. 

I'm also a voracious reader. I feel bad if I start a book and don't finish it. Well, that mainly goes for fiction. I've started and stopped reading "Think and Grow Rich" and "A New Earth" five or six times. But, if you put a James Patterson book in front of me, I won't stop until it's finished. 

Duh!!! I haven't quit the job I've had over the last 16 years. So maybe I'm not a quitter as long as I'm getting paid. 

Hmmm why do I feel like this revelation is a bad thing. Now I have some things to thing about. 

Yooouuuuuu Are Getting Sleeepppyyy

I've been intrigued by hypnotism for as long as I can remember. I wondered if I could be put under and if someone really make a person bark like a dog. 

I've seen coupons for hypnosis but never bought them because I didn't want to tell people that I was getting hypnotherapy. But, one day I bought three sessions. And then after using those up, I got three more. 

Hypnotherapy is more like a deep relaxation session with affirmations. I have the best sleep in that chair. Before we begin, we talk about what the ssssion should focus on. My session last week was actually about seeing if I had any blockages preventing me from writing or if I was hiding any fears. 

She then finds a script that meets my needs. The one she used last week was "Path to Freedom."

She starts off talking about liquid relaxation flowing through my body and then does a countdown from 5 with each lower number taking me into a deeper relaxation...she never swings a pendant and says, "Youuuuu are getting sleepppyyy," like they do in the movies.  By the time she gets to 1, I'm usually asleep (or deeply relaxed) and don't remember things until she's counting up to 5 to bring me back to awareness. 

On my last session, I set the tape recorder to try to get a sense of what happens. But doggone it if I didn't go to sleep while replaying the session!

I didn't uncover any fears during the session that I could remember. But, I had a pretty violent dream that night. 

A man was trying to choke me to death and I was fighting back. I gave a primal scream and then fought back even harder. At some point, in real life, my Husband grabbed my arm and I started scratching him. I woke up breathing hard and panicked. 

Thankfully, I wasn't fignting back as hard as I thought...or he was in a deep sleep...because he didn't remember it happening when I brought it up the next afternoon. I still don't know how that dream relates to my reluctance to write. 

I have one final session with Debbie (unless she posts another Living Social coupon). Maybe she can let me know if the dream was connected to our session. 

Have you or would you visit a hypnotherapist? I think it's made me calmer and more centered. 

Love Means Never Having to Say, "I'm Sorry"

"Love means never having to say you're sorry" is a popular saying. Until today, I didn't know it was taken from a novel and 1970 film called "Love Story" starring AIi MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal (thanks Yahoo! search). 

Anyway, I call BS on this quote. Love is saying you're sorry as often as needed. I transgress often against my two closest loved ones, Rick and Deuce).  I apologize, even when it bruises my ego and I have to mull over my apology for a bit. 

I've turned the phrase around in my mind trying to see when it would ever make sense and I'm coming up empty handed. Well, I guess if you're perfect and make no mistakes you never have to apologize but that's about it. 

It's possible that someone out there guards their thoughts, words and actions so closely that they never step on anyone's toes, but that's not me. Not even close.

I have good intentions. But I sometimes say the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or the right thing at the wrong time. Or in the wrong tone. And things can go wrong. 

I apologize...usually the same day. Out of love for the person I offend and for myself. For my peace of mind. And peace in my home and surroundings. So unless I don't know how to love, then love means never missing the opportunity to say you're sorry (or to apologize if you're a person who doesn't call yourself "sorry"...the whole "whatever you say after "I am" is what you believe/are/will be thing"). 

You May Say I'm a Dreamer

I have a gift. Or maybe it's a honed skill. Anyway, sometimes the things I think come true. So do some of my dreams...the ones while I'm asleep, not my wishes.  

Maybe not exactly how I dream it, but some events in real life link to dreams that I've had. I took a Facebook quiz about spiritual gifts and it even said I'm a dreamer. 

I also have déjà vu frequently. And see the same numbers on the clock often. Hmm maybe I should stop choosing Quick Pick for my lottery tickets and select numbers. 

A couple years ago, while home alone, I saw my deceased mother-in-law's shadow. Right after that, when I left the room, some papers that I'd been working on were gone.  My Husband and I still joke about her "thieving" ways! 

Do you have any quirks? Or weird things that often happen? Did I mention I don't think humans are the only intelligent life? Am I the only one?

Who's Telling Your Story?

As Black History Month winds down, and after watching and reading a myriad of movies, videos and books about Black culture, I'm left wondering who is telling my story? 

Black Entertainment Television (BET) is currently airing a mini-series called "The Book of Negroes" that provides yet another perspective of initial Black life in America. An early scene in the movie had the enslaved Africans calling out their native names awaiting on the ship for the departure to America: Ayo, Aminata, Abiba, Fola. In the next scene, their white captor announces his name as Tom and changes Aminata's name to Mary. 

Just the other day, I wondered what my name would be had it not been for slavery. Perhaps one day I will find a name that resonates with my Spirit. As of now, Dalia, when pronounced Dale-ya, will do. I'll keep an ear open as I continue to write my story. 

40 Days of Me

Today is the beginning of Lent, where many of my friends on social media are giving up bad habits, such as makeup, Instagram, cursing, fried foods and liquor. Since I don't practice Lent (and like cursing and liquor), I got the notion to pick up a new habit. For 40 days, beginning today, I pledge to myself to blog a new entry. 

I recently wrote the Universe a letter on Facebook outlining my perfect day. It included working when I want, spending time with my family and practicing yoga. As soon as I posted the letter, my Spirit whispered, "Then write."

I've been practicing listening to my inner self, so hearing my Spirit and following my intuition have been becoming easier. When I heard that whisper, I laughed. 

My Husband tells me I should write. My Facebook friends tell me to write. My hypnotherapist tells me to write. I write for my job. I write for my mystery shopping gigs. 

All these signs, signals and people are pointing me to my Path. What do I do? Procrastinate. There's an archaic saying, "Use it or lose it," so for the next 40 days, that's what I'm going to do. Who knows, this may be the beginning of my retirement plan. 

Let's roll!