Friday, April 03, 2015

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

I had a bad habit of staying in relationships too long. I stayed with my philandering first boyfriend because he knew secrets about me that I couldn't bear to get unleashed. I stayed with my ex-husband because I couldn't bear people talking about me behind my back being a failure in marriage.

All of these relationships lasted because I was afraid. Of embarrassment, of failure, of an ideal. Fear kept me entrapped, unfulfilled, and sometimes depressed. 

I lied to myself based on lies that I'd been told: I love you, I'd die for you, I'll never cheat on you or leave you or hurt you. Lies for which I lived in a daily hell. 

So I set myself free. It took years in each instance. Years that I wasted believing instead of trusting my inner voice...or the actions and words of those with whom I was involved.

You'll never cheat on me, but you've done it several times. You'll protect me, but you won't gain viable employment to provide for me.  

I stayed in church, with my biblical "husband" Jesus, because I couldn't bear the idea of an eternity in hell. Even though Jesus told me the truth via the bible, I believed the lies. Jesus told me that I was his sister, but I called him "Father". He told me to only worship God in heaven, but I praised him. He told me that I have everything that I need already, but I continually sought more of him.

I was a needy woman, looking for yet another man to fulfill me. Why? Because that's what I was supposed to do. That's what everybody did. 

I take full responsibility for my choice to follow blindly. All information was available to me had I bothered to investigate, research and simply use my God-given sensibilities.

Outside parties pushed propaganda to further their religious agenda and I followed because that's what everyone around me did. I was cheated on in relationships and I stayed because that's what everyone did. I was living the man's role in a marriage because that's what everyone I knew did. 

But, when has what everyone does been beneficial to everyone doing it? Everyone was living in debt. Was that beneficial to me? Nope, but it was an easy trap to get caught in. Now, I see the light. In spirituality, in relationships, in finances. 

And as I was conjuring up this blog, I had a real life reminder to stop overstaying my welcome. In Costco, I smelled bacon...and yall know I LOOOOVVEEEE bacon! But, no sooner than I took the first bite, my stomach was angry and protesting. So, I have officially (knowingly) taken my last bite of pork. Not for religious regions or because a couple of my honorary sisters have beseeched me over the years, but because I have to continue practicing to listen to my Sprirt before it gets tired of talking.   

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