Protect Black Females

Protect Black Females

Fight for us like you fight for your favorite team

Get mad about what happens to us like you do about a scuff on your new Jordans

When you fight for us, you reap the rewards

You know we always have your back, even after you shoot us, in the case of Meghan Thee Stallion

Even after you cheat on us 

After you beat us

We’re there consoling you through the pain caused by those that hurt you, whether they look like us or not

Don’t defend us

Protect us

Police show up after crimes are committed

We don’t need that

We need advocates

We need our males so down for us that people know not to fuck with us

They need to be so fearful of hurting a Black female in words, thought or deed that even if they dream about it, they wake up and apologize

We were all bred to be Uncle Ruckus

It’s time for us to wake up and be Huey Freeman

Speak up for Black females

You don’t have to agree with us or marry us

Just speak up

Stop standing by silently as we’re attacked like your male ancestors had to do as a survival tactic

You’re beyond that

There is no danger to your life for caping for us as hard as you do for your favorite player

There is LIFE in that

When you build up the Black female, you see all the things you’ve fought for and against come to you

You see relationships with your kids growing stronger

You see school systems growing stronger

You see jobs and opportunities coming your way

Doors start to open up

When your main mission in life is building up the Black female, you have no qualms slanging knowledge on corners as you convince the boys on the block to stop slanging rocks

We know there was a deliberate attack to get Black men out of homes

We know that the attack levied on Black men had an even greater impact on Black females

We were left vulnerable and unprotected

We had to do unmentionable things to protect our homes and our minds, even as our bodies were violated

You had to, too. 

Think about the connection that a mother has with her children

Don’t you think that after 10 months of Oneness, she knows that you had to do some unforgivable shit to survive?

She felt your pain and carried it as her own, on top of her own, alongside that of her family and community

We are tired

We are tired

We are tired and we need you to spread the word that we are off limits

We are no longer the last item to check off on the list of equality

We fought and continue to fight for everybody’s equality

We are the fucking epitome of “All lives matter”!

We know that all lives matter because we fought for all lives to be able to vote and watched and cheered as that honor put Black men in office

We fought for women’s rights and silently witnessed white women march to the front of the line

We fought for LBGTQ+ rights and watched gay men benefit most

We fight for Black Lives Matter and have to defend ourselves when we highlight that Black life includes more than those born with penises

We say your name, we say her name, we never forget, we always support and console and nurture and give and give and give

And

We

 Are 

Fucking 

Tired

You want your freedom?

You want to be treated like a king?

You want to be heard?

Well, if any of that is to come in any of our lifetime, now is the time for you to start protecting Black females

Early Morning AHA! Moments

No matter when I go to sleep, I’m waking up bright and early (while the sun and family are still sleeping) thinking about life. I used to get peeved, eventually it turned to acceptance, lead to understanding I’m up for a reason and now I know I’m about to have some Aha! moments. 

Lately they’ve been about how to make my life “easier”. Maybe that’s what they’ve always been, but instead of listening I was distracting myself reading books or social media. 

In Human Design, which I’m delving deeper into if you haven’t picked up yet, my Head Center is usually complete Open with no Defined Gates/Activations. This Center is the one that determines how much one is “in their head”, looking for answers that often don’t even matter to them. 

Since mine is Open, I camp out in that bitch. Like, set up a tent, have snacks and drinks (cold), take naps and all. If you ask a question, it doesn’t even have to be to me, I’m going to stop what I’m doing and try to figure it out. Don’t let it be a “Life” question either!

As of June 2019, the start of a new personal Cycle, that Center has been fully Defined. I didn’t realize until talking to Halavao that I’d started letting other people figure out the answers to their questions, especially at work and on social media. (They have google just like me, so I let their fingers do the walking!) My “whatever, that ain’t got nothing to do with me” gene kicked in and I like it. 

Hearing other people’s take, when I ask for it (Manifestors initiate), is really great to help see those things I know, but don’t realize. These early morning Aha! sessions are the same. Thoughts, ideas and concepts that play in the back of my mind come out and reveal their truth. 

I’m preparing to be a Human Design Consultant (and apparently “Get Your Business Together” one, too) so that I can help others uncover/rediscover their Superpowers. 

Before I forget, this morning’s Aha! moment was that...shit I forgot, but a new Aha! is that I need to prioritize cementing my Ahas! before I scroll through social media and type long ass posts 😂

INFORMING!!! It came back to me just as I was about to give it up and turn it loose (there’s a message in that!). 

To keep peace, Manifestors inform those around them about what they need and are going to do in advance so that we prevent the disruption of others trying to initiate things with us and/or taking us out of our Flow. Not only is informing part of my Life’s Strategy, it’s also my Life’s Path (Incarnation Cross). This probably explains why my posts are sometimes long and “informative” or why I’ve been called “bossy” 😂

Initiating Manifestor

In Human Design, I’m what’s called a Manifestor, with the role to Initiate. I haven’t followed that Strategy much or consistently. 

We ordered food (2 plates of fried cauliflower and mac & cheese) from a vegan pop up shop for pickup Saturday at 430. We get there and they’re not there. They said they expected me at 4. So we waited to get the food. Since we’re a no contact family, I had them put it in the trunk. 

If you know me, you know I love food, especially spicy wings (vegan now, of course). So my mouth was watering in anticipation of getting into those wings. We get home and there one dinner and not the flavor we ordered. 

I communicate with the guy and he asks if  I want to pick up the plate...which is a 40 minute roundtrip drive. He was supposed to drop it off and it never happened. 

On Monday, he did an Instagram contest for free wings and I entered because I knew I’d “win” since he “owed” me anyway. I win and we set up pickup for same place today. 

I get there and guess who’s a no-show? The man asked if we can drive to his house because his wife has the car. Now first of all, my Husband already didn’t want to deal with them again. I didn’t even tell him about the contest so now I have to ask him to drive “around the corner” to pickup this contest/paid for food? Secondly, why he ain’t just tell us to meet him at the house in the first place? 

I’m kind and sweet, so we picked up the food. On the way home, I messaged (initiated) the man to offer my consulting services to help them get their ordering process more organized. He accepted. 

This is a Black-owned husband and wife operation. I want to see them succeed. I know how difficult having a vegan restaurant, let alone trying to build a customer base, all while Black can be. 

So many of our business close or are “cancelled” because of poor service. I don’t think it’s intentional, just a lack of understanding, organization and training. All things at which I happen to be innately gifted. 

I ain’t NEVER consulted for a business before, but guess who has an LLC and just Monday morning wrote her “Services” section listing “Sounding board when you’re feeling stuck, confused or unheard” as an option (just before being anointed by a hummingbird)? 

I can imagine this family, with at least one young child, sometimes feels stuck as they try to manage their day to day lives and a side hustle. 

Their food is AMAZING and they deserve a chance to succeed. Who better to help than an intuitive Virgo who is loved by babies, old people and animals?

Positive Thinking Preparedness

For the past couple days, I’ve been singing “I know that I can make it. I know that I can stand. No matter what may come my way, my life is in good hands.” (I change lyrics to remove the religious aspect.)

This morning, I woke up and saw that a last minute meeting was scheduled for work. Sometimes I get nervous since I’m new to the position and not yet confident in my knowledge. After accepting the meeting invitation, I said to myself, “I am prepared for whatever comes and able to adapt as needed.”

It turns out that I was more than prepared for the mystery meeting. Once it ended, the trainer for our department wanted to solicit my help for some of her other studies. She said that she loved working with me and I made things move along quickly. 

I’m fully convinced that my positive thinking (and singing) got me ready for a future I couldn’t predict. I encourage you, which is the reason for the post, to start/keep encouraging yourself so that you’re prepared for whatever opportunities come your way. 

Life as we knew it is gone and the new world being created has a prime spot just for your unique Self. Nurture and feed your Self because we need you! ❤️

The Great Equalizer

Coronavirus has been a great equalizer and truth serum. We once thought that it only affected old people, then white people. It’s clearly a “hide ya kids, hide ya wife” type situation. HOWEVER, in hiding, have faith and be wise and you’ll become The Great Equalizer. 

Fear weakens the immune system, making it hard to fight off any infections, from a cold to “Da Rona.” 

Do what you have to do to stay centered and balanced. Meditate, yoga, watch non-fear-inducing TV, sleep, shower/bathe, phone a friend, sit on your front steps, etc. 

There really is nothing to fear but fear itself. Our minds do a fantastic job of over-inflating our present state with what could’ve, would’ve or should’ve been. 

If you feel panic rising, stop. Take a deep breath, noticing the air as it feels your belly. Keep inhaling, following the breath as it travels from your belly to your chest and into your head. 

Hold your breath at the top. Hear the popping in the cavities of your head. Maybe you start to feel tingles as a sign that your body is being oxygenated and beginning to alkalinize. 

When your mind starts trying to convince you that you can’t hold your breath any longer, prove that you are in control of your mind by holding for another beat. 

Exhale slowly and with control, building up your self-control and awareness. 

When you think all the air is out, hold your breath again. Your mind is going to start chattering. 

And lying. You are NOT going to die. You CAN hold for another beat. You CAN aid in the healing of your own body and mind. 

Now push out a little more air, then inhale with control. Your mind will want to gulp air. However, remember that YOUR awareness knows the weakness of the mind. 

Control your inhale. Relish the feeling of air coolly entering your body and replenishing the much needed, often under appreciated oxygen that flows through each of your organs, regenerating and revitalizing you atom by atom. 

Repeat this exercise as often as you think of it and watch your mind, body and Spirit come alive the way Nature intended, rather than the ways of man have created. 

#SpiritLedPost #itsanuthing #nunetwork #mindcontrol #selfcontrol #selfhealing #alkaline #alkalinize #breathwork #breathcontrol #breathretention #hyperventilate #hypoventilate #whm #wimhoffmethod #meditation #guidedmeditation #yoga #yogainstructor #minister #lifecoach #encourager #motivator #healer

Legalize Marijuana

Marijuana should be legalized because it can give people superpowers, such as creating their own reality, which is probably why it’s listed under the same umbrella as the most dangerous man-made drugs (but weirdly less than alcohol)!!! It will be legalized by April 2020. Those incarcerated for BS charges will be freed. 

Dalia and Goliath

Historically, I have not been a very physically active person. The most activity I consistently got was in physical education growing up. Even then, I did the bare minimum to get a passing grade. 

Over the past few years, I've been taking yoga classes, mainly sticking to "easy" yoga. You know, the classes where you stretch but don't sweat. I mistakenly came across a class called Hot Vinyasa where the heat is in the upper nineties and the class is very active. I adapted to the higher physical levels until I took one particular instructor's class. It. Nearly. Killed. Me. 

Typically, after yoga classes I feel super energized and better than I felt going in. Jason's class completely intimidated me and I walked out feeling like I "failed." I couldn't keep up with what he asked of the class, even though he told us to go at our own pace. It was like being on America Ninja Warrior in the desert with yoga pants on. So, I avoided his classes like the plague. For months. 

Until one day, I decided to face the giant. This time, I went into class without expectations of "doing well." My intention was to simply make it through the class without judging myself for my lack of stamina. 

Well, what do you know?!?! I DID IT!!! A few weeks later, I sat in his class to observe his teaching style, as part of my Yoga Teacher Training requirements. Seeing how he constructs his classes and continually encourages his students, even as many are collapsing in fatigue, was inspirational. 

In fact, I was so inspired that I actually seek out his classes to attend. I just left one and noticed that I walked out with confidence and pep in my step. My body is tired in a relaxed way. I didn't judge myself, even when I took a knee instead of remaining in three-legged planks (who even thinks of such a thing?) for three more breaths. Jason isn't exactly a Goliath, even though he is kind of tall with a large presence, but he has been a good life lesson for me: run to what scares me, rather than away. Even the scary shadow monster disappears when you approach it. 

Changes of Tide

I'm beginning the 200 hour yoga teacher training (YTT) program on Monday. Because of this, I've significantly reduced my social media time. I now log on for a purpose instead of as a habit (more likely an addiction). 

I've been reading The World Peace Diet for a couple weeks as a pre-YTT assignment. On August 3, a group of ladies and I began a 30 day Saucha challenge (cleansing--it could be purer thoughts, choices, eating, etc.). I chose to abstain from alcohol and bread.  

Now, not only have I decreased social media distractions and given up alcohol and bread (for at least the next 2 weeks or so), I've completely stopped eating animal products (flesh, fluids, eggs)...which means all my favorite dishes are no longer in my diet: hot wings, hot dogs, over easy eggs, ice cream, cheese...and it's ok. 

Over the past couple years, my Husband and I, along with my son Deuce, have been slowly removing meat from our diets. But, the reason I jumped in to the complete vegan pool, rather than continuing to dip my toes in, is related less to the health benefits (I'll post another time) than the guilt I began to feel regarding how animals are treated (am I on the road to tree hugging???), which is a different story for a different day. 

We've been conditioned from birth to believe that we NEED animal proteins in our diet, and I've come to learn that is only one of the many lies (traditions) that have been passed down from generation to generation. I recently found videos of former NBA John Salley's vegan lifestyle and feel comforted in knowing that although Deuce says that he's only going to continue eating certain animal products, if he makes the choice to adopt a vegan lifestyle, his hoop dreams won't be affected. They'll actually been enhanced since meat tends to make people feel sluggish and drained and can affect mental capacity. 

The journey I began was focusing on becoming a yoga teacher, but the unexpected changes of tide led me to an even greater accomplishment: opening my thoughts toward compassion for all living beings instead of humankind and opening conciousness to bigger and better expressions of wholeness. 

Constant Validation

Life gives what I need when I need it. The past few days, Life has been giving constant validation, support and guidance. 

My Husband was in a brutal car accident about 20 years ago. As a result, he now lives in constant pain and discomfort. He gave my son and I am impassioned plea recently, as he's done in the past. This time though, he was more adamant than usual as he warned us to stop taking advantage of our life before we lose it and wish we had it back. After that talk, I told myself that I would be more faithful in practicing yoga, because that's the physical activity I like most. 

The next day, I had a chiropractor appointment and planned to go to yoga class. On the way to the chiropractor, I came across a webinar that discussed three areas to manifest your dreams. One of them was maintaining your health and gave yoga as an option. Ok Life, I hear you giving hints. 

The next morning while waiting for yoga to start, I listened to yet another webinar that talked about getting a daily routine to ground yourself and start your day on a good note. What daily routine did the person do? Yep, you guessed it. Part of her ritual includes yoga. 

Today was my third straight day of yoga. The teacher was more vocal than any I'd ever had in the past. She focused the class on opening the throat chakra, which controls the voice and one's truth. She gave many great quotes, one of which was by Eleanor Roosevelt:  No matter how plain a woman may be, if truth and honesty are written across her face, she will be beautiful. 

When I  heard that quote, a thought came to my mind: I am the Truth. I didn't consider that Life has been preparing me for a specific test, although that's what Life always does for me. 

The test appeared innocently enough with a voicemail from my father. I say "innocent" because a question can be harmless or dangerous depending on who's asking. 

Because I know my father, I was admittedly leaning toward defensive mode when I heard the question and returned his call. After answering the question, I asked his motive for the question, since as stated before, I know him. 

He didn't appreciate my not believing that he was without motive and the conversation quickly went downhill. My father is a preacher in rural Arkansas. His sermons and conversations follow typical Christian teachings, one of which sets him as a father on high grounds. He believes, based on our conversations, that God sets apart people for specific tasks, and of course he is one of the chosen few. I was even one of the chosen...until today's conversation, maybe. 

Typically, when different points of view arise during our talks (as they often do), I respectfully refrain from standing too firmly by my stance. I sit back and let the conversation play itself out. But today, after Life having affirmed and validated me for the last several days, I couldn't sit back and be content. 

This is a fake reenactment of how the ending played out:

Me: Pizza didn't start out the way we know it. It began...

Dad: But I'm talking about the pizza I know.

Me: Just because it's the pizza you are familiar with doesn't mean that's how it started. (Begin excerpts of real ending) You can't just make facts what you want them to be.

Dad: Well people fit facts to their beliefs and understanding.

Me: That's not how facts work. A fact...

Dad: Well that's not why I called so how's the family?

Me: You're not just going to cut me off. If we are going to have an adult conversation then you need to treat me like an adult. But, the family is well and I need to go because we have things to prepare for. 

This conversation was an important Life lesson because sometimes as parents, especially of adult children, we forget that the functions of our roles alter as the child ages. The parent-child relationship does not usurp the human-human relationship. 

As humans, we owe it to ourselves to FIRST respect ourselves and then respect others. It would have been an offense upon myself to let someone take my power and belittle me with my permission. 

If I put myself in my dad's shoes, as a pastor, I would picture myself going to the pulpit and preaching from Exodus 20:12 KJV: Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. 

However if I were to enter a pulpit after this conversation and preach from the same text, I'd point out that honoring someone does not entail me allowing myself to be disrespected. Because if honoring you means dishonoring myself, you'll lose, whether parent, friend or foe. And as a married woman, in regard to parental relationships, I'd throw in a bonus

 verse Genesis 2:24: That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Thank you, Life, for ways directing my course and setting my path with your constant affirmation and validation, even when I do not notice or acknowledge. Without you, I would have once again chosen to honor someone else and disrespect myself in the process. 

All Around the World, Same Song

I've been working in Sydney, Australia for the past couple days. Last night while walking around with a colleague named Sue, the subject of Aborigines came about. She compared Australian's treatment of them to America's treatment of Native Americans. I took the liberty of including African Americans and Mexicans into the conversation. 

As a nurse, she was saying that Aboriginal people do not care about their health. They go into their lands and drink, even though they shouldn't be. She has tried to recruit them into her clinical trials, but they won't participate. 

I told her that it may not be that they don't care about their health, but that they don't trust the people trying to run tests on them. She did not know about the Syphilis experiment done on Black men or that Native Americans were given blankets with smallpox, with both groups being left untreated and left to die (or worse, live with the painful, disfiguring symptoms). 

She asked if Obama being in office made it better. I told her that it actually made it worse because instead of the country discussing the systemic issues, people use his presence as "proof" that there is no racism, or blame him for keeping racism alive when he does address racial issues. 

"But," she asked, "What about Hillary? Will a woman in office make it better?" Women still make 74 cents or so to the dollar compared to men (I didn't bother mentioning the race gap). Is Hillary going to fix that? She hadn't heard of the show scandal, but I used Mellie as an example of a woman staying with her husband for political aspirations because Sue wondered why Hillary stayed by Bill's side for so long. It could be love and dedication, but alas she's running for President, so....

After all that, Sue said that she has people in her family dark as me and doesn't care how people look. Her father is from England and her mother from Scotland. She was born and raised in New Zealand and relocated to Australia to make more money. She had never been to London and wanted to afford to visit her father's family. While in England visiting, she talked to her cousin about the English (of England) treatment of Aborigines and the cousin was astounded. 

Sue told me it's a shame that her cousin didn't know her history.  My questions to her, which (unspoken) are the same of American English were, "Why would they? Why would they want to discuss their past? It's not like they're going to give up the benefits they've gained from it." 

In the end, we agreed that English people are "something else." And with all of America's transgressions, it's all the country I have for the moment. 

(We also discussed the goodness of America such as travel and food options...so please nobody tell me the "If you hate America so much" speech)

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye

I had a bad habit of staying in relationships too long. I stayed with my philandering first boyfriend because he knew secrets about me that I couldn't bear to get unleashed. I stayed with my ex-husband because I couldn't bear people talking about me behind my back being a failure in marriage.

All of these relationships lasted because I was afraid. Of embarrassment, of failure, of an ideal. Fear kept me entrapped, unfulfilled, and sometimes depressed. 

I lied to myself based on lies that I'd been told: I love you, I'd die for you, I'll never cheat on you or leave you or hurt you. Lies for which I lived in a daily hell. 

So I set myself free. It took years in each instance. Years that I wasted believing instead of trusting my inner voice...or the actions and words of those with whom I was involved.

You'll never cheat on me, but you've done it several times. You'll protect me, but you won't gain viable employment to provide for me.  

I stayed in church, with my biblical "husband" Jesus, because I couldn't bear the idea of an eternity in hell. Even though Jesus told me the truth via the bible, I believed the lies. Jesus told me that I was his sister, but I called him "Father". He told me to only worship God in heaven, but I praised him. He told me that I have everything that I need already, but I continually sought more of him.

I was a needy woman, looking for yet another man to fulfill me. Why? Because that's what I was supposed to do. That's what everybody did. 

I take full responsibility for my choice to follow blindly. All information was available to me had I bothered to investigate, research and simply use my God-given sensibilities.

Outside parties pushed propaganda to further their religious agenda and I followed because that's what everyone around me did. I was cheated on in relationships and I stayed because that's what everyone did. I was living the man's role in a marriage because that's what everyone I knew did. 

But, when has what everyone does been beneficial to everyone doing it? Everyone was living in debt. Was that beneficial to me? Nope, but it was an easy trap to get caught in. Now, I see the light. In spirituality, in relationships, in finances. 

And as I was conjuring up this blog, I had a real life reminder to stop overstaying my welcome. In Costco, I smelled bacon...and yall know I LOOOOVVEEEE bacon! But, no sooner than I took the first bite, my stomach was angry and protesting. So, I have officially (knowingly) taken my last bite of pork. Not for religious regions or because a couple of my honorary sisters have beseeched me over the years, but because I have to continue practicing to listen to my Sprirt before it gets tired of talking.   

Mount KilimanDalia

39 days and 39 blogs ago, I set out on a journey to compose a blog a day. Well today is day 40 and I reached the mountaintop. 

There were some delays on writing, but I double-timed my pace to get back on track. I sometimes had to travel during very early or super late nights, but I made it. 

Any time you take on a challenge, you learn new things about yourself, see recurring patterns and/or find areas of improvement. Over the last 40 days, I found that my recurring goal for each day, as seen in many blogs, is inner peace and self-acceptance. Being cool with who I am, where I am, what I'm doing makes a big difference in the world around me. 

I realized that writing isn't as difficult as I made myself believe. I have LOTS of thoughts, ideas, opinions, views, advice floating around in this brain of mine. It's quite easy for me to compose and share them with others, even the tough topics. To my knowledge I haven't offended anyone or damaged any of my relationships beyond repair. I've not gotten any anonymous posts or irate texts. 

Maybe I didn't dig deep enough into my hidden thoughts and express anything major. Or maybe I didn't give people enough credit to be able to handle my truths. Or, more than likely, I gave myself TOO much credit that I would voice something that hasn't already been thought. 

I'll keep blogging so that I don't forget how much I enjoy writing. Maybe all of these posts, along with my many journals at home, will find their way into an organized format that be published and foot the bill for my college education!

Until next time, be well and do well. Thank you for supporting me on this journey!

Paid In Full

I came across a girl from NY in one of my Facebook hair groups last year. She asked a question about budgeting money and you know I jumped right in! 

The thread got deleted so we started inboxing each other. It was hard to help her via fb so we started calling and texting. She was in DEEEEPPPPP debt. She owed her landlord about $5000 in back rent, still had to pay monthly rent to the same landlord, food, etc.  I created her one of my handy dandy spreadsheets and told her that if she stuck to it she could dig her way out. 

She'd been dealing with depression for quite some time and I told her that getting her financial house in order would make a difference in her life. Over the months, we kept in touch via fb. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, people tell me their life stories. I was able to encourage her to accept all of her past, the things that have been done to her and move forward so that she can be empowered to make sure her future outshines her past. 

She had her moments in the beginning with trusting the spreadsheet, but it became easier.  When she saw it begin to work for her, she would thank me and express her gratitude. 

Today, she reported that she has paid off the back rent. It brought a tear to my eye that a stranger on the other side of the country took something I taught her and has experienced a positive change in her life. 

Whatever it is you're passionate about, keep doing it. Keep teaching others what you learn. Keep helping others grow. You will see the fruit of your labors in the right season. 

Thank you A. C. for trusting me. For trusting the process. For trusting yourself to create a better life for yourself. 

The Road Less Traveled

I used to travel a lot for my job...getting paid. I also use to travel a lot for people...for free. Well, I won't say for free. Let's just say that while I wasn't getting paid it was costing me a lot. 

I was going on a lot of guilt trips. Some were of my own making and others were because of outsiders. 

Guilt trips start off harmlessly enough. You're going about your merry way and then the questions start. "Why didn't you...?" "Why don't you...?" "Can't you...?"

Demands and suggestion quickly follow. "You should...""You can..."

Then accusations. "So you can't..." "You're just going to..." "You could if..."

Then the tripping. "So and so did such and such..." "You missed this already and now you're going to miss that?" "If you wanted to..." "If you don't, then..." "If I was so and so you would..."

All of these questions, accusations and threats are tiring! It's been a journey, but I'm at the point where no means no. I'll still explain a little bit (sometimes), but I no longer feel the need to make excuses or lie about why I can't or won't. 

My Husband's protection toward me is excellent. He used to see me get upset about guilt trips. Feel the negative vibes it brought into our home.  Then he said enough is enough. If I can't bring myself to say no to things I don't want to do, then he will do it for me. He even gets on me for doing things or changing my plans to accommodate him. What a breath of fresh air. 

I understand that people want to see or spend time with me. Or want things from me. However, I also understand that my personal peace and sanity are the priority. 

So, if I choose me over what's going on with you, I'm ok with that. It's up to you to make accommodations for you. If I don't attend your event, don't focus so much on my absence that you're ungrateful toward those present. And I'll do the same if the tables ever turn.

I'll go on road trips; business trips; plane, train or boat trips. But you'll have to count me out of guilt trips. They're played out and I can no longer afford them.  

Just Got Paid...Feeling Alright

I got paid today and I knew exactly where the money was going before it posted to my account. My savings account was paid just like any other bill. I knew exactly how much of the check I'd have left to work with. But it wasn't always this easy breezy. 

I used to be pretty lackadaisical with money. I didn't spend a lot, but for some reason I could never manage to keep a lot either. That all changed when I started paying closer attention to how I was paying bills. 

In the past, I paid bills when I remembered or could afford to (often late) or based on the due date of the statement. However that kept me scrounging to make ends meet since the bills were sometimes due at the same time.

I enhanced a spreadsheet that my Husband created to track our income to include our bills. I pay all the bills via online banking based on the spreadsheet. Below is a fake example of what went out today:

Income: 1000

Student loan: 50

Mortgage: 200 (will pay other half in 2 weeks with next check)

Cell 1: 80

Savings: 100 (see picture for a savings challenge I started last year)

Electricity: 60 (not due until next month but why wait when I have it now?)

Life insurance: 60 (due every 3 months; next payment due June but why wait?)

Credit card: 250 (paid in full)

Now, I know that out of the remaining $200 I have to prioritize my spending until my next check. Gas is a must, eating out is not. Deuce may take peanut butter and jelly for lunch instead of lunch meat. 

As you notice, I pay half of the mortgage every 2 weeks (check with your lender to see if that's an option for you). I always pay my credit card in full to avoid any extra fees (this wasn't always an option since I used to survive off of them).

Get creative to start making your money work according to your plans, not your creditors'. If you need help, I can assist you to figure out a system for your household. There are many variations to what I use. Whatever you decide, it's worth getting control of any money issues you may have. Your health and wellbeing depend on it. 

iSpy With My Little Eye...Someone Awesome

Periodically on Facebook I see people "cleaning house," deleting people with whom they don't regularly interact. I've done this before myself. My thoughts were, if you don't talk to me or post on your page, then what's the point of having you on my page?

How dumb was that? First, not everyone has the luxury to be on social media like I do. I work from home, don't participate in extracurricular activities, and pretty much waste the days away seeing who is doing and saying what. 

Second, it's quite haughty to assume that everything I say is worthy of all my 700+ "friends" to comment on or like. I don't even know that my posts show on each person's newsfeed. 

Lastly, as was reconfirmed today, just because people aren't commenting doesn't mean they aren't looking. I had the pleasure of catching up with one of my many honorary aunts. She told me that she loves reading my posts but doesn't comment. 

She's been watching me since I was about 6 and is happy to see my growth. We talked about a conversation we had a while ago where she told me that the person that I want to be is the one that I already am. I was always the woman that I am now, but I was just trying to please everybody else.

Over time, I've tried to be more conscious of what I post, how I brand myself. I have people watching me, some of them looking to me to set a positive example. Some of them taking pleasure in watching my mind and life transform. Maybe even some watching and waiting for the bricks to fall. I hope whoever's watching for whatever reason is enjoying this ride as much as I. 

Live Now or Evil Won

I'm wearing a shirt that says "live in the now". When I looked at it in the mirror while washing my hands, I saw "evil ni eht won", which obviously couldn't be the title of this blog. *Coincidentally our car has 104401 miles on it.* 

Living in the now means to be present with what is going on around you. To be talking to someone and being engaged in that, not wondering what's happening on Facebook. To sit at a stoplight and not curse it for taking too long. 

What happens when you don't do that? When you wish you are doing something else? Talking to someone else? Physically somewhere else?

You make yourself anxious. You are discontent. You are anything but peaceful. And it reflects in the world around you.

It may seem that the world is conspiring against you.  You get caught by every red light or train. The line you enter in the grocery store has the slowest cashier and most demanding customer. The bank closes just minutes before you had a chance to withdraw the rent money. 

Life isn't conspiring against you. Life is teaching you to work with what's happening right, not against it. If you choose not to live now, then you'll find that evil won. 

Breathe. Be fluid like water. Learn the lesson of the moment and the "evilness" of it will disappear. Take a moment to smell the roses. Look at the nature around you. Notice how your heart rate decreases as you focus and how much more peace you feel. Live in the now because the later is not promised. 

Legalized Pot

Recently, after a trip to urgent care for congestion, I was told that I had allergies. At first I was shocked since I am pretty old (38) to be getting allergies. Then I remembered that about 7 years ago another doc told me I had allergies and the cough was from post nasal trip. 

Both times, the diagnosis of allergies came a year or two after I'd moved to a new city. Each time, I was prescribed sinus sprays, most recently Flonase. 

I don't like taking medicines because they're SO full of toxins. But, I used the sprays as I researched natural cures. I found out about neti pots with my first diagnosis. I'd completely forgotten that I'd once before cured myself of allergies after being diagnosed in 2008-2009. 

So, here I am, once again suffering through a condition that I'd already conquered. Two weeks after the second diagnosis I've finally gotten a new pot. And I COMPLETELY forgot about the strangeness of it. 

If you've never heard of a neti pot (and don't like to use your internet search engine), it's a container shaped like a small teapot. You fill it with filtered water and salt (I use the salt packets that come with the pot) so that the pH is neutral (240 ml of water to one packet of salt for me). Then you insert the spout into one nostril, tilt your head and pour the water so that it comes out the other nostril and drown yourself (at least that how it feels for me the first time). The water brings with it all the gunk that's clogging your nasal passages...side note, I'm having déjà vu at this very moment!!!

Anyway, although it's a strange sensation, it really works. It's safe for ages 4 and older. There are many videos online that show the process on adults and kids. Maybe I'll tape Deuce tomorrow when he tries it for the first time. 

PS I am all for the decriminalization of the real pot. 

You Are Not The Father

You Are Not The Father

From Day 1, my Husband was intent on letting my son know that he is his step-father, mentor, father-figure and any number of things, but never a replacement for his father. We made up a nickname for Son to call him so that there was no pressure for him to pick a name. Calling him by his first name seemed disrespectful and "Uncle X" or "Mr. X" were out the question. 

They have a good relationship. I let them forge their own path (but sometimes slip up and interject when I should just observe). They show their affection for each other by giving fist bumps. Husband sometimes throws an arm across his shoulder if they're talking a life talk or he's encouraging him about something. Husband treats him like a son. He reminds him that he knows he is not his dad, but he still wants the best for him. 

Son is only 9 (and 1/4) (hey, my birthday is 9/14!) The hope is that we never have to experience the "you ain't my daddy" period that many blended families go through. For now though, we are just enjoying each other, providing Son with opportunities that we didn't have and trying to give him the tools to be his best self. 

I Once Was Blind

Most times, I start writing a blog in my mind before typing it here. I come up with a topic, create a title and then write. Then I search the web for a picture that fits. This particular blog, I Once Was Blind, was initially was to be named Third Eye Blind, since the topic is about the pineal gland which is also called the Third Eye. 3rd Bass has a song (or album or both?) called Third Eye Blind. Many of my blog titles come from musical references. 

Anyway, after starting the mental portion of the blog, I came into contact with an autistic teenager. I said excuse me since she was sitting in front of my locker. Her caregiver told me that she would only move if the caregiver moved her. She then explained that the 17 year old is non-verbal, autistic, epileptic and a bunch of other things. 

I told the woman, let's call her Jane, that Jill (fake name) probably hears, sees and communicates more than we'll ever know. Jane said that Jill only looks people in the eyes and doesn't pay attention to the other features or register who the person is. I told Jane that she's looking behind the mask and seeing the person's soul. I told her that I've read that autistic people are extremely alert and often brilliant but since they don't function as a "normal" person, we miss out on that. I also said that eye doctors look in our eyes with flashlights because that is the only way to see inside of us without surgery. I ended by telling Jane that Jill is teaching her a lot and that she should learn from that. 

Jane said that over the 8 years she's had Jill, she has planted a lot. I hope one of those lessons eventually becomes that Jane will stop treating Jill as a walking billboard of ailments. 

So, if you're wondering how this relates to the blog process, Life gives us interactions that confirm some of our thoughts. I was thinking about the pineal gland and encounter a young lady who is probably using her Third Eye constantly and those around her are unaware.

The pineal gland is one of the many mysteries of our bodies. Scientists at first didn't think it served a function, but they didn't know that the gland functions differently based on the amount of melanin in the being. Their initial studies were done in white people who, because of their pale skin, have low levels of melanin. It was not until they studied the gland in black people that they realized the gland actually serves a purpose. 

Melanin helps keep the gland from calcifying (thus allowing it to function properly). All living things contain melanin. However, just as Tupac says, "The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice," the darker the skin, the higher the amount of melanin. 

Although melanin helps decalcify the pineal gland, other lifestyle changes can aid in the process. A few of these are sun gazing, meditation and a healthy diet. 

An important change one can make is to decrease exposure to fluoride. This can be a daunting task since it's so prevalent in our everyday lives. We drink it in processed water, brush our teeth with fluoridated paste and ingest it in our foods. Fluoride, as can be found in even governmental documents, is a very dangerous chemical for humans and nature. 

A decalcified pineal gland is linked to clearer and more creative thinking, increased awareness and even being able to better see through lies. This is why it's called the Third Eye. When it's decalcified and one can "see," the Third Eye is open and no longer blind. 

It's an interesting thing to research. People who've had Third Eye experiences have very interesting tales to tell. I've not had any far out happenings but have been noticing more "coincidences," the the one with Jill and Jane. Perhaps the proverbial caul (veil) is falling off my Eye. 

Editorial note:  after looking online, 3rd Bass apparently had nothing to do with a song or album call Third Eye Blind. I don't know why/how I associate that phrase with 90s rap. Somebody research it for me. 

Just My Imagination

They say that people become less imaginative as they get older (or did I make that up?). I've been recently thinking about imagination and how, if left unchecked, it will have you "looking over your shoulder and peeking 'round corners."

Whereas kids have "innocent," creative imaginations, we adults tend to use our imagination based on our experiences (more of my making up fake facts?). I can't sit down and draw something creative, but I can sure sit down and draw some false conclusions about people's intentions or what they or I should/shouldn't be doing. 

In becoming increasingly self-aware, I'm better able to catch myself making up lies and false assumptions (still gotta work on making up statistics!). Life is creative enough without my coloring things in jade (being jaded). It only adds more stress to myself and those around me when I do that. 

So what if things didn't go the way I planned. Or if someone didn't do something I thought they should have. Or if I ran out of mayo and wanted to make some potato salad. 

Did I die? Did it REALLY have a drastic impact on my life? Was irreparable harm done? Is it REALLY as bad as I'm making it out to be. The answer is always (at least to date) NO!

Life is an ongoing lesson in flexibility. More often than not, you're going to run into situations and people that cause you mental discomfort. Shake if off and keep on moving toward your goal. 

My goal is peace. And I look for it whenever and wherever I can. It's usually found at the end of a deep breath or a hearty laugh, often at something goofy that I did. 

A pebble in the ocean doesn't stop the water's flow. The water just gives it a cursory glance (if water was a person) and keeps on moving. Like Bruce Lee said, "Water can flow or it can crash." I like my waters calm!

Saucy Saucy

I love going to restaurants with condiment bars, like Rubio's. I load up on small containers of them to take home. This week I took two limes, but it turns out they really are just for decoration. 

I use the salsas as toppings or dipping sauces. But I found that they are EXCELLENT when I make beans. They add so much flavor and I don't even have to bother cutting up any ingredients (Rubio's has chopped cilantro and onion on the bar). 

Places with different dipping sauces are also favorites. I am especially happy when they have super spicy varieties. We have a wing place here (Native Grill) that lets you get unlimited sauces and they have about 20 flavors. I use the barbecue sauces to turn my regular beans into BBQ baked beans when I need to spruce up leftovers. 

There are always random sauce containers in the fridge. Why buy sauces when I can hoard them?!?

Empty House Full Hearts

When my Husband and I started dating, he led a discussion about where our relationship was heading. He knew from the beginning he wanted to marry me, but needed to know my thoughts about what marriage means. 

It's not JUST about loving a person. It's also a business transaction. So we set relationship and financial goals. 

We'd both made some foolish financial follies (why not alliterate, even though it's redundant). And were tired of not having anything to show for our hard-earned income. And those student loans were/are stifling.  

So we moved into a studio apartment with a futon and a desk. Thankfully we've always loved spending time with each other or we'd have suffocated in those 400 square feet. ESPECIALLY when Deuce visited, before moving with us. I did sleep in a closet for a few hours once when I was mad about something (and looking for attention). But other than that it was more than enough space. 

As a result of us sacrificing square footage for paying bills, I'm not awake agonizing over how I was going to make ends meet as I once did.

However, a new "problem" arose. I was so used to being broke and wanting that I held on SUPER tight to money. Even though we could afford things, I kept having a nagging fear that it could all go away at anytime. I'm just now getting fully comfortable with the idea that I'm not a day away from homelessness.

We still live in a small home. There's just enough permanent space for the three of us with room for periodic visitors. We have furniture now. I also sleep better knowing that Life can throw a curveball and it won't send me to the curb or somebody's couch. I'm not rich but my heart is full. 

I Hate Christian Laettner

I just watched an ESPN documentary called "I Hate Christian Laettner." People have made T-shirts and YouTube videos expressing their hate. He's mentioned on social media outlets hundreds of times a day.  Who is he and do they hate him? 

He's one of the best collegiate athletes in history (according to people on the show). As a basketball player at Duke University in the early 90s he took his team to four Final Four games, won two championships and holds the record for most points scored in an NCAA tournament. He was the first college player to play with the pros when they took over the Olympics in 1992. 

So, what is there to hate? Greatness. If people are still harboring hate for you after almost 25 years, you must have done something right. They probably don't even remember why they hate you. All they know is you did SOMETHING that rubbed them the wrong way. It may not even been something that directly affected them, but something they heard through the grapevine. 

People who hate you have no place in your life or on your radar. Let them deal with their issues and you keep living your life. Like Christian said, he's over his basketball days. He wants to be remembered for being a great husband and father. He's not letting people's hate hold him back or down and neither should you. We have work to do and moves to make!

Being Gay is a Gift

I had a dream early this morning. I was reluctant to talk about it since homosexuality is such a precarious topic and discussions on the topic are often wayward. 

In the dream, two of my favorite YouTube personalites (one was Funky Dineva and I can't remember the other) were talking and FD said, "Being gay is a gift." I made the RCA dog "what you talking about" face and he kept talking. 

When I awoke, I kept thinking about that statement. Why or how could being gay be a gift? They are often victimized because of their lifestyle, sometimes even killed. So HOW could that be a gift???

I concluded that anything Life brings us can be viewed as a gift or curse. It's all about how you live it and look at it. Kind of like the saying, "Today/Now is a gift, that's why it's called the present."

To all my gay friends, I want a cut of the "Being Gay is a Gift" merchandise yall are gonna be rocking. 

The Sound of Music

Some of my earliest memories include music. I remember hanging out with my aunt in her room listening to 45s. I used to be so excited when she let me switch albums on the record player. One of our favorite songs to belt was "Want Ads" by Honey Cone. Even though the 1970 song came out before I was born in 1976, I knew all the words...and still remember most of them. 

Music was an integral part of my life, and still is. My uncles blasted it as they washed their cars. It was played at cookouts and family functions. My dad's family always sings when they're together. 

I sing every chance I get. My son is also a songbird. I'm sure my Husband loves every minute of our daily serenades. I sing Christmas songs year round because who doesn't love a good Christmas song?!? 

Sometimes though, I want the music to stop. Well not stop, but the lyrics aren't always beneficial. I know a lot of gospel songs. Although I love the melodies, I don't quite subscribe to the messages. Same with rap music. I find myself singing songs about drugs because I look the hot beat. 

Music comes to my mind based on my mood. If I'm sad, I can think of songs that support that feeling. But, when I find the pity party becoming too much, I redirect to a more upbeat, positive song. 

In addition to singing other people's music, I make up my own lyrics. So, when the lyrics of a song I'm singing don't meet my needs, I switch them up so they do. 

I'm a freestyler by nature. Or maybe that's my way to rebel since I'm a rule follower. I don't stick to recipes, rules of the road or song lyrics. I just sinnnngggg sing a song!

Namaste Namasta Mamakusa

I've been doing yoga off and on (mostly off) for about the past four years. I've never regretted going to a class (but I may dread and drag getting up and out the house). Even when I expected it to be the laid back relaxing yoga and it turned out to be a sweaty strengthening out of my comfort zone and league class.  

I'd been interested in yoga and meditation for many years before that. When I used to go to church, we were told that such practices went against Christianity, because of the mantras I suppose. I've also heard others question whether or not yoga was safe for them to do or if it contradicts their religious affiliations. 

I never picked up yoga or meditation until long after I stopped going to church. In the classes that I attend or group meditations I've participated in (like with Deepak and Oprah), I've not heard, seen or done anything that would have affected my standing with Christianity. If, by chance, you are interested in "alternative" spiritual practices, these are good activities. They help strengthen your relationship with you and in turn those around you. 

If you do not like or want to do yoga or meditate, you can always pick up other beneficial relaxation techniques such as breathing exercises, sun gazing or watching nature in action (or in inaction). You can get your Namaste on from anywhere! Woo sah!

Namaste means "I bow to you" or "the God (or good) in me sees the God (or good) in you"

For a teacher and student, Namaste allows two individuals to come together energetically to a place of connection and timelessness, free from the bonds of ego-connection. If it is done with deep feeling in the heart and with the mind surrendered, a deep union of spirits can blossom.

Girl Gone Wild

There's a school of thought that if a father doesn't give his daughter love, she'll seek it out in all the wrong places. I have several examples of this, but one area where I lived this is not being respectful of my female friends' relationships.

Ever since boys started sniffing me out, I've stepped on ladies' toes. If a friend liked a guy and he smiled at me, I entertained it. If someone's boyfriend wanted me to be his confidante, I was available. Often behind her back or against her wishes. Even though there was no romantic interest on my end (maybe one) and no physical interaction, it was shady and sheisty. 

I've jeopardized about five friendships this way. Three of them fatally. And that's just the ones I remember. There is no telling how many I've forgotten about or didn't even realize were affected. 

It wasn't until college when a friend sat me down and talked to me about what I was doing to people that my eyes opened. By that time lots of damage had been done. But, that ushered in a beneficial period of self-reflection and change. I reckon there is always a silver lining hiding in the clouds. 

On Your Mark!

On your mark. Get set. STOP!

I am a master of unfinished business. I started piano lessons. And vocal lessons. I've sold telephone lines. And junk toys. And adult toys. I was in modeling troupe. And choir. I wrote poetry. And songs. And started books. And I've stopped all of these things before realizing my full potential. 

This brings about a great parenting dilemma. When a child says they want to be or do something when they grow up, do you force them to continue that path? Even if they're lackadaisical about it some days? Do your force them to stay on that path even when they say they want to detour or completly switch?

Are they farsighted enough to know that they have what countless other kids dream about, such as access to different programs and facilities? Or do they only see what's in front of them in the here and now? Should they be expected to think about their future when we, at their age, didn't think that far ahead? When some of us still do not plan for our futures?

Where is the boundary between supportive versus overbearing parenting? At what point does helping your child find and follow their passion get overshadowed by the parent reclaiming unknown or unreached dreams?

When I have ANY of these answers, I'll let you know. In the meanwhile, I'll keep talking and encouraging and sharing my experiences. 

Whose Story is it Anyway?

This is Day 21 of my 40 Days of Me journey. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. Does that still hold true when I've missed 3 days (but made up by posting 2)?

I used to write often in diaries. But, it became censored for fear that someone would read it. I'm a (recovering) snoop and maybe I was paranoid that it'd catch up to me. I had lots of secrets that I didn't want to get out. 

Then I became an over sharer. I would tell things about myself before anyone else could spread the news. Even with that, I censor. I tell things that cannot be easily traced to a source other than me (like abortion or molestation). 

Why do I do this? Because I always have a hard time telling parts of my story that intersect with other people's lives. Maybe they don't want certain things to come out. Is it my right to expose them or their feelings or actions?

Yes, it kind of is, when it affects me. Just because they played a supporting role doesn't mean that the star (me) has to edit the show to protect them. 

But what if they start telling their own tales and add a twist that I've forgotten or blocked out? Or even worse unlock a pain that I thought no longer hurt? 

And after the mental back and forth, I stop writing for months at a time. So maybe I'm going to use these remaining 19 days to push through. If not, at least I'll keep logging my daily random thoughts.